Just Say Virgin: A Cross between Just Say No and True Love Waits
By Steven Case Posted on October 07 2009
Somebody explain to me this nonsense about sex education. Take a look at your average youth minister. Is this really the person you want teaching kids about sex? It's time for drastic action.
I believe I have the solution to our problem regarding sexually active teens.
Marketing.
Our job must be to create the perception that virginity is cool. With that, I would like to announce the beginning of an official new campaign.
Just Say, "Virgin."
Whenever a teenager's tempted into some sort of sexual activity they can simply say, "Virgin."It's clear. It's precise. And it lets the aggressor know that "This is as far as it goes."
We can get a few big name stars to "flash the V"on television and tell young people why it's cool to be a virgin. We may have some trouble finding one, but I'm sure we can form a committee to look into the matter. Soon, teens will be flashing the V at each other in schools. It'll become a sign of solidarity.
Perhaps we can piggyback on that cell phone company that uses the "V."That can be part of our anti-phone-sex campaign. I mean $7.95 a minute for what?
We can create fun-loving, adorable cartoon characters. Bunnies maybe. Shelly Celibate and Harry HandsOff. Just a few fun-loving teen rabbits that go out on a date. Something wholesome. Like sitting on a porch…drinking lemonade…listening to Carman CDs.
Shelly will wear turtlenecks (Get it? A rabbit wearing a turtleneck?). Harry will have pants, unlike other cartoon rabbits and ducks (Somebody please put some pants on Porky!).
On the date, Harry and Shelly will sit near each other but not hold hands. We don't want to open the whole PDA can of worms, now do we? When the date's over and they're standing on Shelly's porch, they'll simply grin and flash each other the "V."
No more uncomfortable chats with your students about pregnancy, STDs, and birth control. We can simply "flash the V"and they'll know what we mean. After all, the more information they have, the more they'll want to go try some of that stuff.
Never mind that almost half of all 17-year olds have had sexual intercourse or that nearly one million teenage girls get pregnant every year.* This is more than a campaign. This is a movement.
Just Say, "Virgin."
If we absolutely have to, we can have some sex education. But in order to insure virginity in teens, I say we teach sex education in our youth groups, but teach it WRONG. Get all the information backwards. Let the teens think that pregnancy can come from…uh…. French kissing, that you really can stunt your growth, and that whole thing about going blind.
Let fear be the guide. Let's start a rumor that condoms cause cancer. Soon kids'll be afraid to use them. We'll get them out of the schools and back into the gas station men's room where they belong. We'll call it "No tools in schools"(See, it's all marketing.). Without the product available, teens won't be induced into sexual activity until they're old enough…say 30.
Finally, I believe it's high time we implement Mike Yaconelli's idea about having WWJD underwear. If you're in the backseat and you get down that far, those letters will stop things quicker than a cold shower.
Join me, my fellow youth workers, put on your rose-colored glasses, let's stand together hand in hand (well, okay NEAR each other), flash the V, and bring an end to teenage sexuality once and for all.
Thank you for your time.
(Before you leave please make sure your rose-colored glasses, blinders, and ear muffs are securely in place.)
*Source: The Alan Guttmacher Institute
