Helping Teens through Grief
by Jo-Ann Buckler-Dollins
Teens deal with grief differently than adults—and aren't as equipped to
deal with it. Which is why youth workers need to understand this tough subject
and learn how to help their students through it.
Several years ago, a 15-year-old girl from my church was brutally murdered.
She was very involved in her church youth group. She was known for carrying
her Bible with her to school and sharing her faith with her peers at every opportunity.
She was an ideal role model for other youths, being committed to and having
a close walk with God. She also had a gift for helping others through trauma
and crisis—exactly what her death caused, sadly. The church was stunned
and deeply grief-stricken by her passing. At the time of this tragedy, our church
had no knowledge of grief recovery and had no support systems in place to aid
those affected by grief. Her youth pastors cared for and supported surviving
family members and friends the best way they knew how. But a little over a month
after her death, they were finding it difficult and challenging to deal with
the flood of varied emotions that hit them and those around them. Kids went
from feeling depressed to feeling unsettled and heavily burdened.
I’ve since realized that most of us—youth workers included—aren’t
educated about grief recovery. I believe the grieving process is among the least
understood subjects in America today. We’re constantly barraged with death and
violence in the news, movies, and on television, but when was the last time
a grieving character received focused attention?
In Hollywood, time tends to heal all wounds—especially when there’s only
30 minutes to an hour (including commercials) for healing to occur.
So it’s not surprising, as our society reflects these attitudes, that we don’t
know how to grieve. And few will escape this life without having to endure some
degree of grief.
Teens are especially vulnerable in these times because they aren’t nearly as
equipped to deal with grief as adults, and they tend to deal with grief differently.
The combination of adolescence, trauma, and crisis is difficult for teens to
understand and endure. So it’s important that youth workers become aware of
how teens grieve—and how they can help them through the grieving process.
Breaking Down the Grief Process
Loss isn’t easily forgotten. And the circumstances don’t really matter—loss
takes many forms, not just the death of loved ones. It can include divorce,
leaving home, moving, changing a job, losing a job, childhood regrets, addictions,
physical and mental abuse, retirement—even the death of a pet.
Ultimately, any grief circumstance can leave unresolved issues in our lives
if it isn’t dealt with. We can tuck away unresolved feelings in our back pockets
for a long time, sometimes for many years. But if we don’t allow the pain to
surface, we take it with us throughout our lives. And its effects seep into
relationships, the workplace, school, ministries—wherever we go.
One of the ways we can help the pain to get worked out is by giving ourselves
permission to grieve (known as grief work). The grief process is a choice, and
making that choice will go a long way to help grieving individuals recover and
better understand their pain.
Understanding the grief process and what occurs during it is especially helpful
at anniversaries. Some of the most common grief-triggering anniversaries are
Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving,
and especially the annual date of the event that caused the grief.
Anniversary dates are so powerful they can trigger memories of taste, sound,
and sight. These memories often spark reactions such as emotional outbursts,
disorganization, loneliness, depression, anguish, anger, sleep disorders, and
physical changes.
The grieving process doesn’t necessarily follow in precise order and, in fact,
the stages may overlap. Intensity, emphasis, and duration will vary according
to the grieving person and the circumstance of the loss. An important thing
to keep in mind is that the grieving process is very real to the person in grief—and
sometimes isn’t understandable to those of us trying to help. Grief isn’t something
we manufacture, it just happens. We have no control over our subconscious that
brings about these memories.
Dealing with grief isn’t pleasant—especially when teens are in the middle
of it. The grieving process is full of pain; it’s hard work. As much as we’d
like to take away our students’ pain when loss occurs in their lives, we know
all we can do is offer support.
But before tragedy happens, I urge you to consider offering them the kind of
support that’s empowered by knowledge of the grieving process.
Points of Emphasis to Help Teens in Grief
- Grief recovery is a choice.
- Grief recovery is a growth process.
- Use available resources, such as grief-recovery support groups.
- Teens in grief must realize they need to take a stance in facing their future,
both on a short-term and long-term basis.
- They often have little physical or emotional energy to do anything but
grieve. Encourage people helping teens in grief to assist in even the most
minute tasks—but especially in making decisions.
- Let grieving teens know recovery isn't a place, a destination to be reached;
it's a continual journey. A journey of hope, healing, and peace.
- Help them acknowledge their need for support from loved ones.
- They must invest themselves in practical, meaningful activities in order
to bring about emotional healing.
- Encourage teens in grief to reach out to others so they put their hurt in
perspective.
- They must not hurt themselves through bitterness. Encourage hope and release
of their anger, pain, and frustrations.
- Teens in grief must keep in mind that many others have experienced grief
as well. This is the grievers' common thread with humanity: They walk a lonely
path, but they don't walk it alone.
Growth Ministries has just launched a support program aimed specifically
at junior and senior high schoolers. It includes a combination of ongoing weekly
support meetings—designed to encourage youths and adults to share and deal
with grief together—and slightly more formal workshops designed to educate
youths and adults about the grief process. (Contact info: 619/401-7477 or P.O.
Box 191207, San Diego, CA 92159)
Certified by the state of California to provide continuing education to counselors
on the subject of grief recovery, Jo-Ann Buckler-Dollins is director
of GROWTH Ministries, which she founded in 1994. The organization helps adults
and teens through the grief process with Christ-centered workshops, programs,
and personal support.
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