Confessions of a Spiritual Abuser
by Don Perini
The youth pastor tore the pages right
out of the Bible. No one could believe
what they were witnessing. The
pages of Leviticus fluttered to the ground with
a hardly a sound. He had asked them what
was next, after Genesis and Exodus. Unlike
the first two books, no one had spoken up.
Thinking this was just another Bible quiz, they
had waited for someone else to answer. Now
only a few remaining pages of Leviticus were
stuck to the binding.
With their complete and undivided
attention, he asked, "Who
can tell me what Numbers is all
about?" No one moved. The students
were still in shock. Their eyes were fixed
on the torn Bible. Fortunately, a few were
jolted out of their trance-like state when
they realized what was at stake. The book
of Numbers would face the same fate as Leviticus if they didn't come up with
an answer soon.
To their credit, they tried as hard as
they could to recall what Numbers was
about. But they couldn't. Rip. The book of
Numbers joined Leviticus on the floor.
The students were desperate as they tried
to save as much of the Bible as they could.
This continued for 40 minutes.
By the time the youth pastor had gone
through the entire Bible, an eighth of the
book remained in the binder. As he stood
amidst the pages on the ground, he made
his climactic statement, "What I am doing
to this Bible is nothing compared to what
you are doing to yours.
At least mine is being put to good use."
Then he walked out of the room.
Embarrassingly, I have to admit that
youth pastor was me.
My intentions were good. I wanted the
best for my students. I had hoped to instill
in them a passion to read their Bibles. Isn't
that a noble cause? Yet, as I reflect on that
shocking experience, I now know I left
them feeling guilty and ashamed, believing
they couldn't measure up to the standard
that I had placed on them.
Spiritual abuse has many heads. Trying
to manipulate people's giving would be
one example ("God will bless you if you
give 10%" and implying "God won't bless
you unless you give ten percent"). Using
Scripture to gain power or authority
would be another ("God says to ‘honor
your mother and father,' so you better
obey me").
Some of the worst spiritual abuse is
actually done by well-meaning youth pastors,
ones with good intentions who love
God passionately and long for their students
to know and love God deeply.
Early in my ministry I focused on my
student's behaviors and performances
rather than on their faith. I thought if they
attended church regularly, read their
Bibles daily, and brought their friends as
often as they could, they'd grow in love
and knowledge of God. Now, there's nothing
wrong with desiring those things for
our students. However, when we teach
our students to believe that "doing" is
more important than "being," they'll leave
our ministries believing that one must
religiously perform in order to be a
mature Christian, regardless of whether
or not we explicitly say that to them.
The problem comes when we focus on
behavior rather than faith. Attending
church and reading the Bible can lead to spiritual maturity, but those acts, in and
of themselves, don't make one spiritually
mature. Wouldn't we be better off
demonstrating what it's like to "be" followers
of Christ?
To make matters worse, most of us are
rewarded by our students' parents and the
leaders of our churches for controlling
kids' behavior, which doesn't help us break
the cycle. This is the kind of religiosity the
parents and leaders (and many of us) were
taught, so it's the type they pass down.
Even if they don't mean to, how students
act is one definitive measure of success for
most youth workers. So long as our students
behave well, we receive praise, an
increased budget, and even a raise.
Unfortunately, since the focus in my
early years was based on my students'
behavior, they were left to believe that
they had to do right to be good Christians.
If they didn't meet my expectations for
them, they felt tremendous shame and
guilt and left feeling like they could never
truly measure up to this thing we call
Christianity.
Several years ago I talked with a student
who had attended the "Bible ripping session,"
as it has come to be known. He told
me it took him several years to recover
from the experience. His image of God had
to be repaired to the point where he could feel like God would love and accept him
just as he is.
Fortunately, there's a happy ending.
I asked him for forgiveness, which he
readily gave. Our conversation then
moved on to our own spiritual journeys—the good, the bad, and the not-pretty.
It was healing for both of us to discuss
our struggles and triumphs. It was true
spirituality…and it's what I should have
done over fifteen years ago.
Don Perini has been in
youth ministry for over 15
years. He's a seminar and
camp speaker; he's the
Creative Arts Director for
the Journey Church; and
he's an assistant professor
of youth ministry at
Cornerstone University.
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