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What I Wish I Knew When I Started Youth Ministry, Part 1: My Stupid Misconceptions

By Mark Oestreicher

See also... Part 2: Caring For Your Own Soul While Ministering to Others

For a second I thought I'd broken her neck. And in my selfish immaturity, my first thought was not about whether Barb was okay, but rather about how her screaming was drawing negative attention my way.

It was my second week as a 19-year-old youth ministry intern for my home church—a large church with a thriving youth ministry. I was at a beautiful camp in Northern Michigan with about 50 high school students, preparing the facility for its upcoming summer of ministry. And we had an afternoon break to swim in the frigid waters of Lake Huron.

Barb was a junior in high school and a major flirt. Her flirting was definitely affirming, and I flirted back. So when I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder, I was proving (in my own mind) what a stud I was, what a cool guy I was, and how all the students on the trip could relate to me as a peer. I jogged out into the water, Barb's playful screams drawing just the kind of attention I wanted.

But the water didn't get deep fast enough, and I got tired of carrying her. So I just dropped her—in about a foot of water—on her head.

After the crying stopped and the afternoon wound down, the youth pastor (my boss and mentor) sat me down and said (I still remember every word 20 years later), "Well, Mark, so far you've pretty much blown it."

That event was the beginning of my dawning realization: I didn't have everything figured out. Even after growing up in a killer youth ministry and going off to college to be trained for youth work, I had a boatload of misconceptions about youth ministry. And it took lots of dumb moves and long years to uncover and overturn them.

Now I'm sure you're significantly brighter than I was! You'll read these descriptions and think to yourself, "This guy was an incompetent idiot!" The scary thing is that I wasn't. At least no more of an incompetent idiot than the next 20-year-old, overly confident, semi-cocky youth worker.

I'm hoping you've already debunked the misconceptions I've learned about the hard way, but just in case you're ready to dive into your first full-time youth ministry position and you still have one or two of these damaging misconceptions lurking, let's name 'em and sink 'em.

misconception
My role as a youth worker is to be a buddy to the students.

If I can get the kids to see me as their buddy, then they'll open up their lives to me, I thought. Well, it worked—unfortunately. That summer, as an intern, I had a bunch of spiritually marginal kids treat me like a buddy. But there was a wee problem: it put me in a position of impotence. I had earned their confidence, but I hadn't earned a place of authority in their lives, the right to speak to issues from a godly perspective. I was just one of them—no more. Ministry-wise it was a total dead-end.

I remember John. He was a sophomore but acted much older. John had a quiet confidence that made him way cool. Even I admired his self-assurance. I hung out with him hoping to gain his favor, hoping to get an in with him. This was, to some extent, purely motivated. I wanted to have spiritual impact on John, though I had absolutely no idea how I would do this or what it would look like. I listened to—and laughed at—John's off-color jokes, maybe making an "oh, behave" face occasionally. I compromised to win his trust, and I got it. He trusted me enough to let me into his life. But I had absolutely no spiritual impact on his life. None. Zip. Maybe even a negative impact.

The role of the youth worker is not to be a buddy or a pal. If you're hanging out with teenagers all the time and see them as peers and best friends, something is wrong with you, and you shouldn't be in youth ministry! Sure, you'll befriend kids. But you're their leader, and that defines you as a different kind of friend. Yes, you'll hang out and talk about things other than Jesus. But your relationships with students, as chummy as they may seem at times, need to maintain the foundational understanding that your reason for hanging is not to be a pal; it's to have a spiritual impact on their lives.

misconception
My role is to identify and confront all the sin in students' lives.

I also thought that once I wiggled and manipulated my way into the closest confidence of students, I would be able to address their deepest and darkest sins. The flaw in this thinking wasn't in my ability to find out about their deepest and darkest sins. The flaw was in thinking this was good ministry.

Let's face it. I was trying to be the Holy Spirit! How stupid is that? I continue to meet 30- and 40 year-old youth workers still laboring under the false assumption that it's their job to convict students of sin. Let's leave God's work to God.

Not that you shouldn't confront sin. You should. But it's not your primary role.

Later during the same summer I dropped Barb in the lake, the youth pastor detected this misconception in me and sat me down again. He said something like this: "The kids don't need a lighthouse on wheels, rolling around and shining light into all the dark corners of their lives. They need a lighthouse on a rock; consistently beaming it's light in the same direction, dependably and predictably, so that as they scurry around, they have a consistent point to look to, a predictable beacon of light as a reference point."

This analogy changed the way I do one-on-one youth ministry. Yes, I challenge kids. Yes, I confront sin on a fairly regular basis. But my perspective is different. I see that my primary influence will not be in challenging or confronting but in setting a consistent example of Christ living in me.

misconception
I can fix any student.

With enough time, with the right mix of fun interaction and spiritual challenge, with my brilliant kid-magnet relational skills, I was sure I could schmooze my way alongside and then bring any kid into a deep walk with Jesus Christ. Now I wasn't silly enough to believe I could do this with every kid. That's too many students! But I did think I could handle any individual teenager you could throw my way. What arrogance!

Trevor was a junior in high school and fairly popular at his school. I don't even remember how it was that he began attending our youth group—he really didn't fit in. Trevor was into break-dancing, and so was I (it was the early 80s!). And I used that shared interest to strike up a relationship with him. It was a good start. But no matter how much time I spent with Trevor, no matter how good an example I was, no matter how much I challenged him, no matter how many youth group events Trevor attended, he didn't seem to change much. I suppose he may have changed a little bit. But I'd be blown away if I found out he was walking with God today.

And you know what? Trevor's failure to "go for it" with God isn't a reflection of my failure as a youth worker. I don't know why Trevor didn't experience a major lifestyle change and develop passionate allegiance to Christ. Hey, there are even kids that I barely noticed who are missionaries today. The Holy Spirit works in teens' lives in different ways and with different timing. And teens respond to the Holy Spirit in different ways. My part of this equation is, frankly, quite small.

I need to be faithful to represent Jesus Christ to teens, but how they respond is not in my control.

misconception
I've got to be cool, speak the lingo, play guitar, and throw around youth culture references.

Oh yeah, baby, that was me. I was the funky-fresh youth-meister. Knowing I was heading into youth ministry, I asked my parents for a guitar for high school graduation. Occasionally students probably thought I was semi-cool. Often they must have thought I was a pathetic loser.

And I'll be painfully honest with you—I still struggle with this misconception. And my probability of successfully pulling off "cool" is decreasing by the day. But like many youth workers, I want kids to think I'm cool. And it's easy to fall into the false thinking that being cool increases ministry effectiveness. It ain't necessarily so.

Matt was a volunteer youth worker at my last church. Matt is cool. Actually, Matt is quite possibly the single biggest geek you would ever meet. He's just wrapping up a Ph.D. in theoretical chemistry. It's not even real chemistry. They use computers to play what-if games about compounds and molecules. He's a full-on pocket-protector-wearing, plaid-pants-with-a-striped-shirt, rhythm-deficient stereotypical dweeb. And he's one of the most effective youth workers I've ever met. He reaches kids I'd never reach. And I don't mean he's only good with computer-geek future theoretical chemists. He loves on teens and sticks with them, and he's unapologetically himself. Students love him, and they respect his authenticity.

Put-on hipness might get you some initial attention with students, but it won't take you very far. God's best gift to your ministry is you. And your best programming tool is you. Be yourself.

misconception
Parents are the enemy; parents are the problem.

Parents mess up their kids for 15 years and then expect us to fix them in a couple of hours a week.

I've heard youth workers make this statement. Maybe I've even made it myself. It's an extremely seductive statement. One we can secretly believe.

As you know, teenagers are going through a time of individuation, gaining independence and forming their own identities. It's rare that this doesn't cause at least some amount of tension between teens and parents. And because the job of parenting teenagers is such a tough one, most parents experience a mixture of success and failure. At least some of these failures are things you and I, as savvy students of youth culture, would not have made. (We would make a completely different set of mistakes—probably far worse.) It's easy to come to the conclusion that all the problems our students are facing are the result of poor parenting.

Now add the fact that you will undoubtedly have a few parents who'll make unreasonable demands of you. This misconception is the result. But here are some important facts to hang on to:

Fact 1. The number one influence in teenagers' lives is still their parents. Multiple studies prove this.

Fact 2. Parents do have countless more hours of influence in their children's lives than you do.

Fact 3. Parents have the primary spiritual responsibility of raising their children and bringing them up in Christ. You don't have that responsibility.

These facts do not mean that all parents care about their children's spiritual well-being. And they don't negate the fact that many students are raised in oppressive and unloving home environments.

But I've seen it over and over again and experienced it myself. As youth workers get older (like, as geriatric as 30!), they begin to see that they are more effective when they come alongside parents, rather than trying to take the place of parents.

misconception
Advisory teams and boards are useless and slow you down.

I figured I knew a lot more about youth ministry than they did. And I was sure they just wanted to spy on me and place hurdles in my way. So I kept them in the dark. I patronized them with sanitized reports that would have impressed a political spin-doctor. I only asked them to make decisions about things I didn't care about.

So it should have come as no surprise that the youth council at my church turned on me. When I was facing some vicious elders and my back was against the wall, I needed the protection of the youth council, and it wasn't there. No duh!

At the next two churches I worked at, I created a parent advisory team and decided that the only way they could fully function was if I gave them power. I asked them to approve events and to set the prices. I asked them to approve our teaching schedule. I even told them, in detail, when I'd made poor decisions. It protected me big time!

God's wisdom often comes out in the collective work of a team. Surround yourself with people you trust and then choose to trust them, even when it feels risky. Yup, you might get burned—but you might get saved when you're drowning. It's worth the risk.

misconception
I've got better ideas than other youth workers.

I noticed a few other churches or youth workers who were running goofy programs, and I quickly became convinced that I was superior in my ability to think about youth ministry and generate great ideas. I'd visit the largest, most impressive churches around, and all I noticed was everything they were doing wrong. Many youth workers have the same disease—maybe you do too.

I suppose there's nothing else to call this but arrogance. But it's common to a scary degree in the youth ministry world.

Just this week I received an article from a young youth worker entitled, "Why Youth Specialties Must Change or Die." Quite dramatic, huh? I truly welcomed the input—even handed out copies of it to others at YS, hoping to mine some gems of input about how we should evolve and grow. In the end, it was primarily the blowhole spouting of a 20-year-old youth worker who was supremely overconfident about his view of youth ministry and the world.

It may be a stereotype, but renegade semi-rebel personality types seem to be drawn to youth ministry. These people are inclined toward delusions of competence. But as you grow older in youth ministry—and in life—you'll do one of two things:

1. You'll realize how little you know, or…

2. You'll become an immature, self-inflated, 30-year-old clutching exhausted ideas and hologram-like self-perceptions.

Once in a while, I'll run into a youth worker like Woody. I met Woody at one of the Youth Specialties National Youth Worker Conventions a few years ago. We had lunch together. The guy is humble. He has a sweet spirit that reflects Jesus Christ and has been slugging away in youth ministry at the same church for a dozen years. I'm telling you, the guy's a saint, as much as Mother Teresa or Billy Graham or any other. I wish seminaries and Bible schools had a course called How to Be Like Woody.

misconception
The best curriculum is the stuff I write.

Okay, I'll admit it. This is the one misconception where I'm letting my bias as the publisher at Youth Specialties show. Actually this is the one misconception in this list of 16 that I've never really had. But I had to list it because it's so stinking common.

It's really the arrogance monster rearing its ugly head again. These are statements I hear all the time:

"I don't trust curriculum from publishers; I'd rather write my own."

"I've never found anything on this subject, so I wrote it." (This usually comes attached to a proposal for a book product that has 50 look-alikes on the market already.)

Here's the deal: you may be able to write kickin' materials. But it will take you a long time—time that could be spent doing other ministry functions. And occasionally, you may teach a subject that is truly outside any resource available. But the reality is that good writers and good publishers have prepared stuff for your use in ministry, and much of it is good.

So, a one-word revision to this misconception makes it a wonderfully true statement: The best curriculum is the stuff I modify.

I never teach straight out of a printed resource. Even the best curriculum writer doesn't know my students, my community, my church, me. I've got to modify it. I could rant on this one for 50 more pages, but 'nuf said.

misconception
Young adults make the best youth workers.

You might have this misconception floating around in your mind—especially if you're under 25 years old. But this isn't a misconception just for young youth workers. It's common in the church in general. It grows out of the notion that young adults relate to kids better and, after all, relating to students is what youth ministry is all about.

Now don't get me wrong—young adults can make great youth workers. They're often single and have flexible schedules and availability. They're usually energetic and can get in there and mix it up with students. They're usually in tune with current youth culture since many of them are still a part of it. And they have the distinct advantage over older youth workers of still remembering what it was like to be a teenager.

But there's a flip side. A seasoned adult can bring maturity to youth ministry that younger adults may lack. Parents will offer fuller trust to older volunteers who have larger pools of life experiences to draw from when they make decisions about the welfare of kids. And they are more likely to have wisdom (again, because of more life experiences) when connecting with teens' deeper needs.

I hope you've already developed a healthy (at least cognitive) commitment to team-based ministry through your training and personal experience, so I won't preach on that theme. Here's how I see it: to realize the most benefits from team ministry means there has to be diversity—diversity of gender, diversity of age, and, hopefully, diversity of ethnic background.

A young adult leader relates to students as an older brother or sister.

A 30 year-old leader often takes on the role of aunt or uncle.

A middle-age leader becomes a secondary parent figure.

And it's totally cool if you have some grandparent-types on your team too.

misconception
I'm in competition with other churches.

My first church was a good-sized church—about 700 people. Our youth ministry had about 80 kids. But I was in a suburb with two megachurches—both of them well over 2000 people with youth ministries in the hundreds. I felt like the underdog. They had big budgets, interns, secretaries, and resources galore. I had a dinky little youth room, a joke for a budget, and access to very few resources. And we regularly "lost" students to the megachurches churches.

I was cordial with the other youth pastors, and we even did some events together. But I was always trying to prove our worth as a youth ministry. I wanted them to send our kids back to us; but I rolled out the red carpet for any visitors from those churches.

What a waste of time, emotional energy, and thought. And what a sin!

There are plenty of students to go around. If teens get plugged in at another church—God bless 'em! Be true to your call, love the kids God brings your way, and don't fall prey to the American consumer mentality that says you're in competition with other churches.

misconception
The goal is to be big.

I'm a youth ministry volunteer these days, since I spend my "working time" at Youth Specialties helping other youth workers. And I meet regularly with the 23-year-old junior high pastor. He's a great guy—full of confidence and natural ability. But like so many youth workers young and old, he's got the numbers disease (heck, even good ol' King David had it!).

We've got about 125 junior highers on an average Sunday these days—pretty big. But recently, this junior high pastor communicated to the volunteer team that one of our goals is to have 700 junior highers within five years!

Since then, I've been needling and cajoling him about this dubious goal. It's completely unrealistic, for one thing. But even more important, it's a lousy goal.

Sure, sure, we want to reach as many kids as possible. Yes, we're compelled by Christ to take the gospel to students. But nowhere in Scripture do we get any inclination that God prefers a group of 700 kids over a group of eight. In fact, most of the stuff I find in the Bible seems to point just the other way: God wanted Gideon to have less men in his army; God sent Joshua to Jericho without large numbers or weapons; David got in big-time trouble for counting his troops.

Nothing will burn you out faster than being small and striving for large. Nothing will lead you to pride faster than having a large group and focusing on that fact. Check out the story of Uzziah if you need to know the result of pride.

misconception
Youth ministry is the most important ministry in the church.

I even took this misconception one step farther. I absolutely love junior high ministry. I've devoted my life to young teen ministry. And for years, I worked on the assumption (and even spoken it out loud) that junior high ministry is the most important ministry in the church.

I think half of this misconception was a martyr complex. ("Boo-hoo. No one understands young teen ministry, so I'll show them that my ministry is superior.") The second half of this was insecurity. And the third half (!) of this was passion—only slightly misguided.

It's great to have passion. It's essential. And it's very important that you have a sense of calling about the importance and strategic nature of youth ministry. But use caution. It's easy to allow this good and important passion to mutate into arrogance. There's that word again.

For years, youth workers have thrown around the unsubstantiated "fact" that 80 percent of Christians make a decision for Christ prior to the age of 18. And we've liberally used this "fact" to pelt people with our conviction that youth ministry is the Billy Graham of all ministries. There's bad news: new research shows that the real breaking point is prior to 14 years of age. And the bulk of these decisions are in children's ministry. Does this mean youth ministry isn't important? Of course not! Let's just get off our high horse and take our rightful place among all the important ministries of Christ's bride.

I no longer believe youth ministry is more important than other ministries in the church. I'm just glad God didn't call me to the parking ministry or library ministry!

misconception
Safety issues are for other people and other churches.

I'd always heard how I should take a head count when the kids piled into the van or bus—every time. And on big trips, with lots of kids, I always did this. But I was sloppy on small trips, with 10 or less kids.

Until I lost a 13-year-old girl at night in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in downtown Chicago.

We were on an inner-city mission trip. And late in the evening, on our way back to the semi-abandoned but secure apartment building that was our home away from home, we stopped for a snack at McDonald's. I had looked around to see if anyone was still in the restaurant when we were leaving but hadn't counted or checked names. When we left, Laura was in the restroom.

She waited at the restaurant for a half hour hoping I'd realize she was missing and come back for her. When it didn't happen and since she knew the way, she proceeded on a five-block walk of terror. Gang members shouted obscenities and threats at her. When she finally got to our building, we had the door locked and were safely sheltered on the third floor.

I will never forget the feeling of total failure, panic, and thankfulness I felt when one of the students came running into my room to tell me Laura was pounding on the outside door. I still hadn't realized she was missing!

Every seasoned youth worker has hideous stories like this one—filled with broken bones and threatened lawsuits and near misses—because safety precautions will feel tedious and unnecessary. And you'll take short cuts.

Being meticulous about permissions slips is a drag.

Creating bus rosters makes you feel like a Gestapo general—and if you don't feel this way, students will remind you!

Volunteer applications and thorough screening seem so time consuming when you need workers.

Risky games are fun.

So you'll have to do what doesn't come naturally. You'll have to decide that the tedium, the red tape, the process, and the caution are worth it. At the risk of sounding like an old, finger-wagging geezer, I'll say the blunt and painfully obvious truth (with a touch of drama thrown in): You'll think safety issues are only for other youth workers until a lawsuit is served or a death happens.

misconception
If you ignore problems, they'll go away.

The church board had made a ridiculous request of me—wanting a formal written report about a personal issue that had no affect on my ministry. Truthfully, they were out of line in asking.

But I should have done one of two things: I should have given them the report, or I should have respectfully informed them where they could put their request. But I chose to be passive-aggressive and to ignore them. Bad choice. A year later they fired me.

Here's a broadcast: there's no perfect church. You will come up against problems. You'll have problems of your own creation and problems thrust upon you. Ignoring them is a sign of immaturity. And the problems will only snowball. So walk through problems, not around them.

misconception
A lot can be accomplished in the first year.

You land in a church. There's a high expectation. You can sense it. It's an almost palatable heaviness—or maybe lightness—in the air, like everyone with any reason to give a rip about the youth ministry has just taken a deep breath and is waiting with expectant little grins on their faces, but no one is exhaling. Maybe that's a bit overdramatic. But you feel the pressure—and you put this pressure on yourself too.

A youth worker rolls into town with a bag of tricks—flashy events, mind-blowing stories, lots of razzle-dazzle. Well, the tricks run out. They can only be repeated so many times. So the youth worker says to herself, "I guess I've done everything I can at this church," packs up her neat bag of tricks, and, after 18 months moves on to the next expectant church.

You can create a lot of flash in the first year. But it will have no real lasting effect.

Check out Jesus. Even he didn't make a flashy appearance to start his ministry. In fact, if you look at the life of Jesus chronologically, you'll see he did very little "ministry" in the first of his three years. He performed almost no miracles, and the ones he did perform were somewhat private. He didn't stand on mountainsides and preach to thousands—or even to 700 junior highers—that first year.

What did he do? He built relationships.

So here's the deal on this misconception: the statement isn't actually a misconception. The first year of your ministry in a church is vital, and so much can be accomplished. But it's usually not the outward or flashy stuff.

After working in four churches, this is what I've discovered: the youth ministry didn't start humming, didn't get to the point where I was remotely content with what was going on, until my third year. It took that long to infiltrate the system with the vision and strategy God had given me. It took at least that long to build an effective volunteer team (Often the best volunteers hide for a couple years to see if you're worth working alongside.) It took that long to build trust with parents and boards and the senior pastor. It took that long to know the culture of the community and the local church.

So relax. Give yourself some time. You still have to run a program. But focus on the foundational stuff: relationships, locating and building student and adult leadership, casting vision, communicating values.

misconception
Eventually I'll have youth ministry totally figured out.

Do you hold on to this misconception? Be honest. Maybe you're not willing to consider it a misconception.

I see some older youth workers who, unfortunately, do think they have it figured out. They're often the ones who package their program and take it on the road. ("Here's how you should do youth ministry—just like me!") They're only fit for this sales job because they've lost their effectiveness with real live students.

I'll admit it. I have a very cool job. Working at Youth Specialties is like a dream for me. And about a month after I started at YS, a close friend surprised me with this blunt question: "Now that you have all this exposure and influence, how will you keep from getting a big head?"

It was a great question. My response (not as great as the question, but honest nonetheless) was, "The longer I stay in youth ministry, the more it becomes obvious how little I know. My growing awareness of how clueless I am about how and when God will work in students' lives is humbling."

Sure, you'll grow in your knowledge of ministry and students and the church. You'll sharpen your speaking, programming, and relational skills. You'll learn from failures and from successes. You'll probably get quite proficient at being a youth worker, in time.

But my experience with youth ministry roughly parallels my general experience with God. When I was eight years old, I had God all figured out. When I was 18, I knew there was much more to understand about God, but I also understood more. While my understanding of God and intimacy with him has continued to increase, the increase has allowed me a new view of how much I don't know or understand.

When I was first in youth ministry, I was pretty sure I understood students and student ministry. After a year, I thought I had it almost figured out. After a few years, I thought I understood a fair amount. Now, with my instincts and skills and philosophy and vision and understanding much more developed, I see how little I know and understand.

That's good news!

Youth ministry is always a challenge.

Youth ministry is consistently changing.

Youth ministry is regularly surprising.

Youth ministry is fresh all the time.

May God richly bless you in your ministry, whether it's your first or fourth or fourteenth. And may you and I both continue to grow in our knowledge of God and his love for teenagers.

Mark Oestreicher has been the youth pastor in four churches before joining Youth Specialties, where, as President, he helps make books, write curriculum, and train youth workers. He volunteers at his church, where he loves giving grief to the 23-year-old youth pastor that he works for.