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The Right Kind of Kids

TO: Youth Director
FROM: Administrative Board
Re: The right kind of kids

I'm sure you'll agree that attracting the right kind of kid to the program will then attract the right kind of parent. Remember we're all about families here. The more familial-giving-units we can bring on board, the quicker we can move into the new family life center.

It's recently come to our attention that your youth program may not be attracting the right sort of kids to our church. Mildred Fleener, who has been at this church since 1809, graciously volunteered to create a sub-committee on youth activities and came up with the following list of suggestions on which kinds of kids may NOT be entirely appropriate for our church.

• Kids who wear too much black. (This includes hair dye and lipstick.)
• Kids who smoke. (Smell them when they come in.)
• Kids who drink. (Pay attention to kids who pop a lot of Tic-Tacs. See Also: Smoking)
• Kids who have their own cars. (Kids who drive themselves to church make parents uncomfortable.)
• Kids who have more than one piercing. (One in each ear is plenty. Girls only!)
• Kids who use the word "suck."
• Kids who slouch during church.
• Kids who pass notes during church.
• Kids who don't know all the words to Our God Is an Awesome God.
• Kids from broken homes.
• Kids who have…uh…more than one mommy.
• Kids who have jobs or sports activities that interfere with youth activities.
• Kids who give "that look."
• Kids who aren't familiar with even the most elementary Bible stories.
• Kids who come to youth meetings but not to real church.
• Kids who come to church but don't sing.
• Kids who come to church but sing too loud.
• Kids who ask too many questions.
• Kids who don't participate in the youth fundraisers.
• That one kid who keeps taking six of the good cookies from the "fellowship time" table and then going to the youth room to eat them.
• That girl with the eye makeup and the perfume.
• That boy with the eye makeup and the perfume.
• "That" kid from "that" family.
• Kids who wear T-shirts that feature bands that sing lyrics that make adults uncomfortable.
• Kids who wear T-shirts depicting Jesus the Son of God as a "homeboy."
• Kids who wear T-shirts that bare the midriff (See also: Piercing)
• Kids who wear shorts with words on their backsides that may cause others to actually look there.

(NOTE: Shelly Smith frequently wears shorts and midriff-bearing shirts that say "Our God Is an Awesome God." This clothing is still unacceptable despite her attempts to call it evangelism.)

As we have new visitors every Sunday, it's important that they see a happy, close-knit group of well-adjusted, happy teenagers who enjoy church and enjoy sitting with their families.

Please keep these guidelines in mind when visiting the high schools or welcoming friends of current youth group members.

Yours in Christ,

The Administrative Board
Sub-Committee on Youth Activities

To: Youth Director
From: Jesus
Re: The right kind of kids

Over here. I'll take 'em.

Yours In Me, Jesus

STEVE CASE has been active in youth ministry for 18 years, currently at Windermere Union United Church of Christ near Orlando, Fla. He's also a popular speaker and the author of several books, including Everything Counts, The Book of Uncommon Prayer, and The Youth Worker's Big Book of Case Studies . (YS)