To: Paul
From: An Anonymous Friend
Re: Corinth

Dear Paul;
Understand that this letter comes in love with the full faith and trust in our Lord Jesus Christ. We were extremely impressed with your work detailed in your memo: 1 Corinthians, dated May, 0055. That whole section about love being patient and kind was a masterpiece. We’re thinking of having that printed on greeting cards. For future reference you might want to consider numbering the verses to make them easier to find…just a suggestion.

The way you took the people of Corinth to task for their behavior was both firm and fair, and we’re impressed with your ability to be both vague and concrete in your opinions. Keep ’em guessing; that’s the way to go.

Now then, it has come to our attention that there has been a drop in attendance at the places of worship within your jurisdiction. Corinth, as we all know, is one of the major cities and a veritable Mecca (if you’ll excuse the term) of tourists and fly-by-night religions. With all your abilities, it puzzles us to see such a drop in attendance.

True, there are options out there. People have a lot more choices for their contributions, but as you know, numbers speak louder than words. If we have something going on, other people will come and see what’s going on. Once they’re there, grab ’em, and don’t let go. That’s how we grow this little party.

Corinth is growing. You had some nice imagery about athletics and comparing a life in Christ to sports in your first letter, but we can’t only program to the jocks now, can we? You might want to expand some of your writings to include others. See if you can reach the techno-geeks. Maybe we can get some of them to run our Web ministry. We need writers and artists as well. Don’t forget to invite those who can, shall we say, put a good face on our religion. Sad to say that advertising is effective. Perhaps you should try to dress like the kids, be one of them, put on the same sort of clothes they wear and stop approaching them as a “real” minister.

You also seem to be spending a great deal of time with one kid—Timothy, we believe his name is. Remember, Paul, the needy kids will cling. Sometimes it’s a matter of tough love. Every extra minute you spend eating olives with this kid is time you could be spending to grow the church. I know how much you like to be liked, but this could turn into a co-dependent issue and that could hurt our cause. Perhaps it’s time to ask the boy to find a new place to worship.

You talk a lot about grace and peace. These are good things and certainly what Jesus spoke about, but grace and peace don’t fill the youth room. Fear fills the youth room. Also games. There’s a church in Galatia that’s been getting gangbuster attendance with something called “Shuffle Your Buns.” Showering the people with God’s love is only half the battle. Attendance and tithing—these are what insure your continued paycheck and mine. Perhaps a more organized approach would be in order. I know I sent you a copy of that latest book on how to be a great leader. It’s probably in that train wreck you call an office

(At this point the letter ends abruptly. It appears that the parchment was either crumpled or torn. There’s a little more, but the ink is smudged and illegible—perhaps marred by the tears of the apostle himself. Either that or some ancient form of Mountain Dew.)

Steve Case has been active in youth ministry for 13 years. He’s also the author of several books, including The Book of Uncommon Prayer.