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A Different View of Family Ministry

Over the last decade there's been a major emphasis on family ministry within the local church. This is a relatively new youth ministry model, as Dunn and Senter show. Leading the way for this model have been noted writers, such as Mark DeVries, Mike DeVries, Chap Clark, Mike Justice, and Marv Penner, who've written great books detailing both the importance of family ministry and offering programs for implementing such a ministry in the local church. As a result, every major youth ministry conference routinely offers courses on family ministry taught by experts. Hundreds of youth pastors have officially changed their titles to "Minister of Families with Students" (although for many of them, the title is the only thing that changed). Even college youth ministry majors have been renamed "Youth and Family Ministry" majors. In short, family ministry has had a major impact on the church.

I (Jim) was one of those youth pastors who got caught up in the trend. With senior pastor and church board approval, I officially changed my title and began to reshape our ministry to better reflect a family ministry. I read everything I could get my hands on in order to better understand family ministry and make it a reality in our church. I truly believe that the youth in our church grew spiritually during this time. Therefore, you may be surprised at what comes next.

Family ministry, as it's commonly understood and practiced, may not be the best way to do youth ministry.

Shocked? You shouldn't be. It's something that we've known for quite some time but have been afraid to admit. Now, we're not saying that family ministry is bad (it's not). Nor are we saying that it's not a good ministry model (it is). But we need to look a little deeper at the ministry we, as youth workers, are called to be a part of, and how family ministry fits into that overarching call to ministry.

Who's Your Family?

Jeremy started attending the church because one of his friends invited him. At first, he was reluctant to participate, preferring to sit back and observe. Over time, he soon became engaged in the life of not only the youth group, but of the larger community of faith. As I got to know Jeremy, I learned about his family situation—or lack thereof. His father was gone, having deserted the family when Jeremy was just a young child. His mother, while loving, worked two jobs to help make ends meet, and frankly wasn't all that interested in Jeremy's activities as long as he went to school and stayed out of trouble.

After some time, Jeremy came to faith in Christ. Soon the subject of baptism came up, and a date and time were scheduled. He was quite excited about taking this step in his spiritual life, and he asked if he could invite his mother to attend. "Of course," I replied, anxious myself to finally meet his mother.

The day of the baptism arrived. Those who were receiving baptism were to be at the church at 5 p.m. for the 6 p.m. service. At 5:15 p.m., Jeremy wasn't there. I wasn't too worried, because Jeremy was almost always late. However, when 5:45 p.m. rolled around and Jeremy hadn't yet arrived, I was concerned that something had happened to him. At 5:55 p.m., Jeremy pulled into the church parking lot, came and found me, and announced that he wasn't going to be baptized.

I thought it was just a momentary fear or confusion, so I asked Jeremy why. At first, he didn't want to tell me. When I probed further, I discovered that Jeremy's mother had promised to attend his baptism that night, but at the last moment decided she was just too tired from her jobs. Jeremy was devastated, and since his family couldn't attend, he thought that he couldn't be baptized.

This situation presented me with the opportunity to talk with Jeremy about family from the biblical perspective. I reminded him about the many hours we'd spent talking about the role of the church, the community of faith, and our place therein. We discussed that when we're in relationship with God, we're adopted into the Church family; we are God's children. Each person in our church is his brother and sister. These members of our local community of faith had been there for him all along his journey toward faith. They'd been there to welcome him to the church. They'd listened to his questions and done their best to answer them. When he'd committed his life to Christ, they were there at the altar praying with him and rejoicing in his decision. Afterwards, members of this community had faithfully mentored him, helping him understand how to live out his commitment to Christ. In short, the church had been for Jeremy what his biological mother would (or could) not be: his first family of faith.

First Family of Faith

The Church is the living embodiment of Christ on earth (1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12, Ephesians 4). It functions as a means of grace for its members and for the world. Jesus saves, but where do we find Jesus? The world sees and meets Jesus through his disciples—the Church—as they love one another (John 13:34-35). In fact, there's no better way to see and meet Jesus than through the Church. In that sense, the Church is the first family that empowers the domestic family to live by faith.

Members of the community of faith understand that, in a sense, their allegiance to the community precedes that to their own families. Jesus stated that allegiance of the members of this community must first be to him (Matthew 8:21, 10:21-22, 34-39). While Jesus affirmed the importance of the family (Matthew 19:18), he also indicated that it alone wasn't the vehicle of salvation (John 3:5-6). Domestic families alone aren't able to nurture faith in their children. Only as they assume their rightful place within the body of Christ will God use them to point the way to Jesus.

All of us gain our Christian identities through our participation in the life of Christ, through the Church, and through the Story. The Spirit of God works in the Church, transforming its members into images of Christ. As we live in and with the Church, God's grace changes us, making us like Christ. The life of the Church is communal—a "life together" as Dietrich Bonhoeffer has said. As we live together, practicing the faith, we come to understand ourselves as the people of God. Living together, sharing life, nurturing each other…sounds a lot like family, doesn't it?

The Role of the Domestic Family

The typical family unit (father, mother, children), often referred to as the "nuclear" or "domestic" family, is what most people think of when we discuss family ministry. However, as Dr. Diana Garland, who has written several books on family ministry, has pointed out, a major problem with using this type of definition is that the Bible, the church's statement of values, offers little support for defining a strong nuclear family as the goal of Christian relationships. Nuclear family terms—parent, child, brother, and sister—are common in Scripture, but they aren't used to limit family to nuclear relationships. Instead, they prescribe how God's people are to relate to one another across the sociological boundaries of family units. Jesus said that his family was defined not by biological ties but by the community of faith (Mark 3:33-35). The focus of the Bible is the communal nature of the church. Nuclear family boundaries are to be opened and Christians encouraged to invite others into their personal networks and families, not shut them out.

In his book Ties That Stress, psychologist David Elkind even insists that the modern notion of family is changing so nuclear families aren't always the best image of family in the postmodern world. The "nuclear family" terminology puts so much stress on immediate parental skills and child competence that families are actually threatened by this nuclear focus.

This understanding of family and of the role of the faith community doesn't demean the nature and purpose of the family. Rather it seeks to honor the family by placing it in its proper context within the Kingdom of God. Because the community of faith is designed to operate like a family, it takes seriously the role of parents in the spiritual nurturing of their children. The community of faith understands that it has a responsibility to equip parents to: think theologically; recognize their roles as the primary Christian educators in the lives of their children; and raise their children in the context of the community so that the children can ultimately come to know Christ. Does the Church replace the domestic family? By no means! The Church exists as a covenant family of families that share a mutual commitment to nurture the faith of all its families.

Potential Problems of Family Ministry

As we've examined various models of family ministry, it's apparent that there are both good and bad expressions of those models. One of the potential problems is that the local church can become so focused on meeting the needs of domestic families that it neglects:

• Those who do not come from a Christian family;
• Those who come to worship without their family;
• Those whose families are not intact; or
• Those whose families are not close by.

The reality is that the community of faith has a responsibility to be family to these folks. No one should ever feel inadequate in the church because their domestic family doesn't fit the profile. In fact, it's precisely those whose homes aren't intact who need our warmest nurture and love (James 1:27). Particularly for the "widows and orphans," the church should function as the first family of faith.

A second potential problem is that family ministry can actually undermine true intergenerational ministry—a hallmark of life together in the church. When the local church builds its calendar around trying to ensure that families have lots of home time together, it can keep teenagers from developing relationships with other adults in the congregation. Without significant intergenerational relationships across the congregation, teenagers often fail to find their places in the church and eventually leave.

Family ministry doesn't fit every ministry context. This is the third problem. One of the major reasons there are so many ministry models is that there are so many diverse ministry contexts. Each model can have validity dependent upon a particular ministry context, while other models may fail because they don't take into account the specific context. For instance, family ministry models rarely work in urban contexts because so many students don't come from intact homes.

True Family Ministry

Please know that we aren't demeaning family ministry. Neither is it our intention to get you to abandon family ministry if that is your chosen model. Far from it! We happen to think it's a great model when used in the proper context. However, our understanding of Scripture leads us to recognize that the community of faith is the first family ministry that youth workers should be promoting. When we do this, it doesn't really matter what proven ministry model one chooses (as long as it meets the socio-cultural and religious contexts) because the foundation of each one will be family ministry as expressed by the community of faith.

James Hampton is a veteran youth worker who has served the church on both the local and general levels. He's an author of several youth ministry books, in demand as a speaker, and serves as an adjunct instructor in youth ministry.

Mark Hayse is in his 15th year of youth ministry, spending the last 11 years as youth pastor at Shawnee Church of the Nazarene. He's a prolific writer and serves as an adjunct instructor in youth ministry. Both authors are currently engaged in Ph.D. studies.