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Managing Mom and Dad

The title that hangs on your door may say "youth" pastor, but you’ll be miles ahead of the game when you realize that your real charge is families. Or—more to the point—that much of what’s involved in helping kids survive adolescence, come to faith in Christ, and press on toward adulthood, is helping their parents do the same. Managing parents is a bit of a secret art—because neither the parents, kids, nor senior pastors want you doing it. But it only serves to make your job even more exciting.

First Things First
It helps to start by understanding the most important rules. There are all kinds of parents—married and divorced, single and step, Christian and non-Christian, biological and adoptive, involved and distant, those who like you and those who don’t. So you’ll need a slightly different MO for each kind. But the one thing they all have in common is something you should never forget: They are the parents, and you are not.

Stephen King novels frighten me less than youth workers who come between kids and their moms and dads. It’s often a well-intentioned effort, and occasionally an unconscious one, but it’s almost always an ultimately harmful and stupid one. Families are God’s building blocks for society. The fifth commandment states that it’s the father and mother—not the youth worker—who’s to be honored. There may be extraordinary times when you must rescue teens from abusive parents, but you should do so only after seeking wise counsel—and even then, only with fear and trembling. Your job is to strengthen the parent-teen bond, not undermine it.

Establish a Relationship with Mom and Dad
The best way to help both sides of the divide is to have relationships with both parties. Since your job description and disposition make you more focused on kids, you’ll need to be more proactive with their parents. I’ve found that a few gestures can go a long way.

1. The Letter. At the beginning of every fall, send out a letter to the parents of everyone in your group. Introduce yourself, tell them you have a Ph.D. in adolescent psychology, a Th.D. in systematic theology, and that half your youth group activities will focus on studying for the SAT. Your stock will soar. (Of course, if none of these things are true—and if you have some moral fiber—you’ll have to write a different letter.)

The ones I’ve sent include a brief introduction of the leaders in the group (myself included), goals for the year, upcoming events, and an invitation for them to contact me any time—especially if they have questions or concerns.

2. Parents’ Night. Some parents’ nights are designed to look just like regular youth group meetings—only with slightly softer music and no kids making out in the corner. Others are designed—from the opening bell to the closing curtain—as a thank-you program to moms and dads. You could do either or both, as long as you’re sensitive to single parents and kids whose "rents" wouldn’t stop by unless you had a million-dollar door prize.

3. Parent-Staff Night. Ask a parent to host a small gathering for five or six other parents in their neighborhood. Structure the time so everyone gets acquainted and there’s lots of interaction between the moms, dads, and the ministry staff.

4. The Casual Chat. When you go to football practice, the school’s production of The Wizard of Oz, or any other place where parents are likely to be hanging out watching their kids, sit down with them and talk. Compliment their sons or daughters. Ask them questions about what they’ve seen happening in their children’s lives. Ask also about their other children (if applicable) and even their own lives.

These chats are also opportunities for you to pursue "normal" parents, which—in the odd way the world works—are those you’re least likely to have contact with. Why? Because church-run parenting programs attract parents who’re in crisis and those who could give Dobson and Spock pointers. The middle of the Bell Curve—the "normal" parents—won’t make these help sessions a priority. But they do go to school events. It’ll take a lot more energy to connect with them, but make the effort. Otherwise the only natural time you’re likely to cross paths with them is if something goes wrong. And a crisis isn’t the time to start building relationships.

5. Keep Parents Informed. Some kids carry Palm Pilots, pocket calendars, and daytimers—but most don’t. And that means what surprises your students will likely surprise their families. ("What do you mean you have a youth group retreat this weekend?! You’re supposed to baby-sit your younger brother on Saturday night!")

One of the best ways to keep parents in the loop is to use the church bulletin and newsletter. Even if you hate writing these columns as much as I do, write them anyway. Many parents will read every word—six times. And much of what people think about your job performance is based on what you so casually scribble there.

A second way to keep Mom and Dad up to speed is to send them a monthly e-mail update. It could be a simple calendar with a few insights about parenting, but write it to guarantee that they stay in the know.

Finally, you also can set up an information hotline. All it takes to rival CNN for 24-hour church coverage is a simple answering machine message filled with current information on all upcoming youth group events. You can update it day or night, even from the ski lodge when you realize the bus will be an hour late getting back to the church.

6. Provide Resources. Unless Mom and Dad have already helped 23 of their own children successfully navigate adolescence, it’s a safe bet that their parentingconfidence levels will resemble a Jamaican Bob Sled Team’s during the Olympics. They’ll be wrestling with both real and felt needs, so—to the extent that you can speak to both needs—everybody wins.

Some youth workers will schedule special lectures on "Parenting Adolescents," others will host quarterly—or even monthly—support and prayer groups for parents. You could write a review of a new parenting or adolescent psychology book for the church bulletin or partner with other local youth workers to invite an author to speak about "Today’s Teens" to the community.

Simpler still, set up a panel of older parents whose adult kids have landed on their feet—and you emcee. By keeping yourself off the panel, you’ll not only advertise that you don’t think you’ve got everything figured out, but also that you’re willing to learn from—and honor—those who are older and wiser. (I should add that the only things worse than youth workers who ignore parents are ones who—at the ripe age of 24—imply that they’re experts on parenting teens).

Think about the moms and dads in the same way you think about their kids. What are their needs and how can you meet them? To the extent that you help them grow as parents, you help their kids tenfold.

Teach Your Students to be Good Daughters and Sons
Though some 15 year olds will act like they’re 21—making up for the 15 year olds who act like they’re 11—the one thing even the most mature teenagers lack is maturity. What you offer, and must deliver, is the perspective that comes with time. On a regular basis I’ve tried to share my own adolescent mistakes. About how, after coming to Christ during my junior year in high school, I badmouthed my parents’ church, adopted a holier-than-thou attitude, and generally acted like I had more to teach them than they had to teach me. You may have made the opposite mistake and walked on the wild side during high school, but my point is the same. Your students will benefit from hearing about your teenage regrets and about your past and present relationship with your parents.

And be practical. Many kids stopped making cards for Mother’s and Father’s Day about the time they turned 12, but there’s nothing in the books that says you can’t take time out of Wednesday night to pass out the paper, crayons, markers, and paste and have them creatively say thanks to their parents.

Don’t Do Anything Stupid
Finally, realize that the first time you take 20 kids to get tattoos, sponsor a trip that costs $8,052 per student, counsel a 14 year old to take a couple years out of high school for a little self-discovery, or tell someone the real reason you’re in youth ministry is to practice on someone else’s kids before you mess up your own, you’ll have stepped in a hole so deep you’re likely to hear Chinese.

Getting along with Mom and Dad often means acting more like them than their kids. I know that life is sometimes less fun that way, but all youth workers should try it at least once or twice—at least before they have kids of their own.

Mike Woodruff divides his time between serving on the staff of Christ Church Lake Forest (Illinois) and directing several other ministry projects, including The Ivy Jungle Network, a loose association of men and women who minister to collegians.