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Youth Ministry for the Whole Family

Your students don't exist only in the youth room. For the rest of the week they share eating, bathing, and sleeping space with moms, dads, brothers, sisters, and other relatives. Here's how a little attention to these influential folks can do wonders for your ministry effectiveness.

"Everybody's talking about family ministry," a youth worker said recently, "but nobody knows how to do it." Based on my own experience, I'm inclined to agree about the state of ministry to teens and the people with whom they share living space and (sometimes) evening meals. My title at church is Pastor to Families with Teenagers. Sometimes I scratch my head at those words. I often struggle with articulating the difference between Youth Minister and what the engraved plate on my office door suggests I should be doing. For me, ministry to junior and senior high school students has always been such a full-time commitment that involvement with parents and families seemed a low priority.

Then about three years ago, I evaluated my ministry in light of the family. I asked myself if my program encouraged healthy family relationships or warred against them. My answer wasn't pretty, and it led to other questions:

• What am I doing with teenagers that could be improved with participation from families?
• How can I build bridges to parents and siblings of teenagers in my youth group?
• What youth-only programs can I eliminate, and how can I replace them with programming for the whole family?

The answers to these questions shaped what I call "family-friendly" youth ministry. This ministry encourages healthy family relationships through programming that unites young adults with their families inside and outside the church.

Here's a closer look at the elements of my mission statement:

• Encourages healthy family relationships. A family-friendly approach always keeps in focus the teen's family and explores ways to support individual family members along with the teen.
• Through programming that unites young adults with their families. Programs and activities that encourage communication, understanding, and cooperation between youth group members and their individual family members are the primary weapons of warfare in the family-oriented battle plan.
• Inside and outside the church. Successful relationships and programs should be expressed in the home and in the community, as well as in the church.

The first step in getting this model off the ground is distinguishing our allies from our enemies. During a World War II battle, tanks blocked the Allied troops from landing on the beaches of Anzio, Italy. American pilots cleared the area after a bombing run, but they failed to recognize the Allied markings on the tanks. Despite repeated distress calls, the bombing continued. It was only after those same tanks shot down two Allied planes that the barrage ceased—but by then many had died and several tanks were destroyed. The same thing happens between youth workers and families, and it plagues youth ministry. It usually starts with a bit of Cold War distrust, but at times, escalates into open warfare. If parents are to be our allies, we must first recognize them as such.

And then there are the enemies—the reasons why parent—youth worker alliances have been difficult to realize and maintain. Learn to recognize and prepare yourself for them.

Parentnoia and Family Phobia

Youth ministry is dominated by young, often childless (and more often teenagerless) youth workers. It's therefore quite easy for parents of teenagers to intimidate us. They know their kids better than we ever will, despite the close bonds we may have formed with them on the last retreat. The result is that we—both intentionally and subconsciously—avoid ministry to the families of our students. These scenarios may sound familiar: Exclusively recruiting as volunteers adults who aren't parents of teenagers, and avoiding parents and siblings of our students after church services because we don't know their names. These are ways we demonstrate "family phobia"—or as Paul Borthwick calls it, parentnoia.

Parental Insecurity

The flip side of our parentnoia is the insecurity of parents—their lack of trust and respect for youth workers. Why does this happen? Sometimes parents perceive youth workers as threats to their relationships with their children because we're adults with whom their teenagers confide. Adolescence is usually marked by conflict, and many parents experience feelings of failure and guilt because their kids fight with them. Often these parents simply lack experience as parents of teens. Sometimes they don't know how to handle their children's growing independence. It's the unusually secure parent who encourages their teen to counsel with a youth worker and welcomes confidentiality between them. But it's more common that parents are somewhat distrustful of youth workers and distance themselves from them. It's easier for many parents just to say, "You don't understand, you're not the parent of a teenager," than to give us the respect our education, experience, and commitment should inspire.

Pride

And every time I hear, "You don't understand, you're not the parent of a teenager," I'm tempted to respond, "Well you don't understand, you're not the pastor of a youth group."

Still this temptation illustrates the way pride can cause us to view parents as out of touch with the youth group and with current youth culture. As youth workers, especially those of us who are full-time staffers, we have the luxury of resources and experiences that keep us in touch with the world of adolescents. Even if we're not the parents of a teenager, we can be "youth culture experts." We just need to be careful of how we express that expertise—and seek effective ways to share it with parents.

Previous Blunders

Sometimes parents don't trust us because we've demonstrated we're not always trustworthy. I try to be prompt with youth group activities. If I say we're going to return at 10 p.m., you can usually bet the ranch that I'll pull into the church parking lot early. Usually. One odd instance occurred when a concert my youth group attended finished a half hour late. Then exiting the parking lot took another 45 minutes. When we finally hit the road for the hourlong trip home, I decided not to stop and alert parents about the late return (why waste more time?). When we arrived at church at 12:30 a.m.—on a school night—I experienced the wrath of several distraught parents who were certain the bus and their children had been in a fiery crash (a scenario that never occurred to me, I was reminded, because I'm not the parent of a teenager). It was a painful lesson and rebuilding trust has taken time, but I had to admit I had shot myself in the foot.

Miscommunication

I used to believe the kids in my youth group represented me and what happens in meetings objectively and accurately to their parents. I'm not so naive anymore. When youth workers address a sensitive topic, such as sex, they often paint a giant bull's-eye on themselves.

I conducted a recent meeting on "secondary virginity"—a topic both James Dobson and Josh McDowell have articulated in the True Love Waits series. "Secondary virginity," I told the group, "is a spiritual condition where, through confession and repentance, God forgives and restores one's sexual purity." My statement met stern opposition from one of my more vocal—and difficult—students. I carefully restated the concept and opened up discussion. After I was satisfied that everyone understood, we moved on. It wasn't until the next Sunday that I discovered I had been grossly misrepresented by that student to his parents. His father, the teacher of an adult Sunday school class, made reference to false teaching in the church and used me as an example.

The lesson is clear: Don't assume your students are shedding the best possible light on you and your program. On the other hand, don't let that fear keep you from viewing parents as allies.

Lack of Professionalism

Youth workers who desire parents as allies must rethink the way they present themselves on every level of ministry. Through the way we dress to our conduct inside and outside the church, we must be taken seriously by parents as peers and allies. In other words, if you're unorganized, don't keep regular office hours, and dress and talk like a teenager, don't be surprised when the parents of one of your students call the senior pastor during a family crisis. It's a good idea for youth workers to continue their educations (master's degrees, specialized counseling training), to find ways for involvement in schools and communities, and to demonstrate maturity if parents are going to see us as pastors to their families.

These are some of the enemies that war against our ministry to parents and families. But we mustn't allow them to prevent us from ministering to teenagers in the most effective way possible—as a part of a network of relationships called the family. But doing this will take some rethinking and restrategizing.

During the Korean conflict, U.S. soldiers were having trouble securing a strategic hill. A two-week-long frontal assault resulted in dozens of U.S. casualties at the hands of the enemy. Finally the Americans decided to change strategies. Instead of marching up one face of the hill, troops were deployed to surround it. As a result of redrawing the battle lines, supplies to the enemy were cut off. The battle was over two days later.

Youth workers also must redraw the battle lines. We must start ministering to the whole family—not just the teens. But this commitment will also require strategy changes. When we see teens as a part of the family system—not isolated from it—our ministry to them takes on different expressions and dimensions. Instead of a frontal assault targeting teenagers exclusively, we must take a family-friendly approach, surrounding the teens by ministering to them in the context of their families.

My favorite symbol for the family is a complex, three-dimensional hanging mobile that rocks and twists when any one of its individual pieces is moved (versus a static, two-dimensional family tree). The teenager, one object in the mobile, is impacted by the movements of the other pieces (parents, siblings) and vice versa. If Dad is laid off from his job, it doesn't happen in a vacuum—every member is rocked. If the teenager is demonstrating self-destructive behavior, the entire family is set in chaotic motion. Even extended family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) are often part of the perpetually moving mobile.

An isolationist approach to youth ministry, then, is simply ineffective. Youth workers can draw new battle lines which encompass the family. It doesn't mean we never spend time with or provide programs for teens apart from their families—just that strategic fronts for ministry to parents and families are seized from enemy hands.

Example: Like many youth ministers, I annually conduct an orientation time for new seventh graders who have graduated into the junior high group. At the end of the summer before their first year in middle school, we invite these teens to our home for a cookout and yard games. Then we go to church, tour the youth center, and describe what they can expect over the next six years. Then it hit me—parents needed this as much as the teenagers. So now we have an orientation time for families of new seventh graders. This enables me to tell parents about my family ministry philosophy at the outset of their children's involvement in youth group. I meet them, make contact with them. It's much more expensive and crowded at our home, but the benefits are profound.

Redrawing battle lines is helpful in virtually every aspect of youth ministry. Here's a rapid-fire sampling of some of the family-friendly ideas I've used over the last three years: When the group returns from an outing, I avoid my natural tendency to head straight for my office. Instead I begin what I call "parking-lot visitation." I float from car to car to meet and give reports to parents who are picking up their kids. It's an especially good time to meet parents of teens who aren't active in our church.

• When I call a student on the phone, I anticipate that a sibling or one of their parents will answer. I'm ready to call them by name, visit with them, or share the purpose of my call before I talk to my student.
• I've declared war on the "teen section" in the church sanctuary by challenging families with the idea that worship should be a family event, sharing hymnals and Bibles.
• Parents of teenagers are my first choices for volunteers. Of my staff of 35 volunteers, 30 are parents of teens. My experience is that parents are the best volunteers because they have more of a vested interest in the ministry. They also make great advocates of the program to other parents and the church in general.
• When I watch one of my group members in a school-sponsored event, I'll either make arrangements to sit with his or her family, or seek them out when I get there. I always have my camera to take a photo of my student in uniform or costume with his or her parents, and then I give them a print.
• Special family events dot my youth group calendar. Our church recently sponsored "Home Improvement Month" which featured 24 hours of family prayer, a sermon series by our senior pastor, a "Family Progressive Game Night," and a weekend family conference.
• I make myself available to parents for "Parent-Pastor Conferences," in which they ask questions such as, "How's my teenager doing spiritually?" and I ask, "How can we minister more effectively to your family?"
• I've restructured the Sunday school hour to include a time for choir, drama, puppets, and Bible quizzing, so that Sunday afternoons can be free for rest and family togetherness. Sundays had been so overprogrammed with afternoon meetings and rehearsals that it worked against family time.
• Whenever appropriate I follow a family-system counseling model for dealing with relational problems between parents and their kids.
• When parents, grandparents, or other extended family members are ill, I try to support my students and their families.
• I regularly make available extra copies of all my youth publications and place them in the foyer of our church. I also include an article on a topic of interest to parents and families.

The benefits of committing to youth ministry in the context of the family are many. The greatest, of course, is knowing your efforts are having the maximum impact as your students are nourished by that most important institution—their families.

Using the family-friendly model of youth ministry also is likely to increase job security and longevity. As a 36-year-old youth worker, I envision a day when I might outgrow youth ministry according to my old model of teen isolation.

But I can't imagine a day when I'll be too old for family ministry.

Tom Lytle is pastor to families with teenagers at Marion (Ohio) First Church of the Nazarene and event coordinator for Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Marion County.