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When Your Child Is in Your Youth Group

There are some things that make you realize you're getting on a bit. For example: someone from your first youth group invites you to her 30th birthday party; you're really grateful when your Mum gives you a new frying pan for Christmas instead of feeling hard done by; or your garden becomes something you nurture rather than the place where you indulge in an orgy of pruning once a year. But for me, the event that made me feel really old was when my son joined the Pathfinder group at church. For years I've worked with and written for young people; now I'm the mother of one.

The Call

Then a year later, two of the leaders decided to step down (for very good reasons), and the search was on for new leaders. As the notices in the church newssheet and the intercessory prayers took on a hint of desperation, my thoughts turned to whether I should do it. I asked myself if God wanted me to do it, or if I was just responding out of guilt or obligation. Next I questioned my ability, then whether I had enough time and energy. After, all there's no point committing to trying to help young people if it makes me so stressed that I'm unbearable to be near.

But I found the most difficult question to answer was whether it was a good idea for my son to have his mum as his youth group leader. Don't teenagers need space away from their parents? Isn't it better for them to have other significant adults in their lives? Would my son feel under surveillance if I were there all the time?

The Pros

Dave Wiles, team leader of Frontier Youth Trust, was faced with exactly the same dilemma four years ago; his son's Pathfinder group was going to close unless a new leader was found. He'd been involved in running various youth activities for 26 years and wanted to help. "I talked to Daniel about whether I should take on the group for a long time. It was quite difficult, because I genuinely wanted him to be able to say if he didn't want me as a leader. At the same time I was keen to do it, because otherwise the group would end. There were 14 young people in a really good group. Daniel was aware of that dynamic too…to be honest, there was a hesitancy on his part, a sense of 'this is my space and you're coming into it.'"

Dan is now a typically cool 16-year-old who's moved on to an older youth group. He doesn't remember any specific concerns that he had before Dave became a leader. "I was pretty happy about it. I knew he'd do a good job." Dave decided to take the plunge and still leads the same group with his daughter, Hannah, now a member.

Jackie Adams is a proponent of parents being involved in youth work and has grown-up children to prove that it can work. She and her husband have six children. The youngest three had both Jackie as a youth leader and their dad as their vicar. She got involved in youth work at the church initially out of both choice and necessity. "I love working with young people, so I wanted to do it. At the same time, there wasn't anyone else lining up to take it on! My children were very keen for there to be a youth group at the church. It wasn't a huge issue for them that their parents were going to be involved."

Dave feels there are distinct benefits to being involved in your child's youth group. He says, "You get good quality social and leisure time with your own children. Often, teenagers aren't very interested in letting parents into their peer group. This is a way of getting to see them interact with their friends." He's aware that his presence affects his children—they behave differently from how they would if he weren't there—but not to a detrimental effect.

Rebecca Adams, Jackie's daughter who is now 20, feels that it was a good experience. "You get to see your kids grow and develop and are able to share in their lives. You can see changes happening instead of just asking at the end of the evening how things went. It was a bit too much at times; but I had a very good relationship with Mum, so I could talk about it." Some of the benefits expressed by young people included being in on program planning and being able to influence what happened in the group.

Some parents reach a compromise with their children over their involvement with youth group. Jeff Gogarty, for example, is a volunteer youth leader at Droitwich Methodist Church where he got involved in Junior Church and the local ecumenical youth group when his son was already a member of both. At first, Jeff attended the youth group less regularly, trying to balance giving his son some space with attending frequently enough to get to know the other young people. Recently, he has been needed at the youth club more frequently, and has given up Junior Church so that his son doesn't have his dad around all the time.

In part, a parent's willingness to get involved in youth work may stem from his views on faith development. Is it your responsibility as a parent to nurture your child's faith? Or is that something that you expect the church to do so that your children aren't under pressure from you and can make their own decisions? Jackie believes that it's vital that children see their Christian parents living out their faith as part of everyday life. "I've never seen youth or children's work as giving other people responsibility for faith development in my children," she says. "I see that as my responsibility as a parent, with people like youth workers an important part of the equation."

The Cons

It's easy to see some of the potential drawbacks, but it was difficult to find people who were willing to talk about them from their experiences. It seems that there are lots of parents out there doing youth work. Understandably, no one wants to be seen as being critical of their crucial volunteers, without whom the youth work wouldn't happen. I spoke to one person who works part-time for a church where all the other people involved in youth work are parents. She said, "A major problem in the church, as felt by parents and young people alike, is that there are only parents to run things due to a dearth of 20-somethings and older people who want to help. That's partly why they employ me as a youth worker. The parents seem to feel it's good for the young people to have space to grow away from them, and the young people just don't want their parents breathing down their necks!"

One young person I spoke to whose dad leads her youth group agreed that she'd like more space. "I feel wherever I go he's watching me, even though he isn't, and also people treat you differently because your parent is the youth leader and they say you're being favored." But she does appreciate what her dad does and asked to remain anonymous, because she didn't want him to read her comment and stop.

Perhaps that's why some churches have decided that, ideally, parents shouldn't get involved in the youth work. James DeJode is a volunteer youth worker at Christchurch URC in Henley on Thames. He helps run two groups for children and young people on Wednesday and Friday evenings. Having observed that the young people behaved one way when parents were present and another when they were on their own, he and the youth worker decided that they'd try to run the youth work without parents. "We wanted to give the children an opportunity to be themselves away from parents' eyes. We also felt it would enable us to get to know them better." However, it's not as though they're having to turn leaders away. In spite of appeals for help, there are just two of them to run two clubs, and the third club they'd like to start for older young people remains on the drawing board.

Dave is aware that at times he was too firm with Daniel, expecting more from him than was reasonable. "There were times when Dan just wanted to let his hair down, and I wanted him to be perfect."

Timothy is part of a youth group that his mum and dad help to run. He's very supportive of them in that role, but he does feel that some parents might be too tough on their own children so they won't be accused of favoritism. "I think more is expected of you as the son of one of the leaders. Plus, there are some things that I'd have been asked to do when they weren't leaders—but now I'm not asked. It's just more complicated, because it can't be thought that the leaders have favorites even if they're simply using my gifts."

Jackie can see the disadvantages of parents leading youth groups, but she believes they can be overcome. "We've always looked for opportunities for our young people, both our family and other youth group members, to have quality experiences away from the church. Spring Harvest has been brilliant for that—we've been going for 18 years. Our family has also gotten involved in a Scripture Union beach mission near us in the summer." She agrees that other significant adults are important for young people, but believes that the relationships within the youth group are just as essential. "Young people can be an incredible support to each other," she says. "And if there's no youth group for them to belong to, they'll miss out on that."

Leadership Training

It's important to remember that parents will need training and support if they're to get involved in youth work. Having a teenager of your own doesn't automatically qualify you to be a good youth worker. Tony Stephens is the Youth Coordinator in Banchory near Aberdeen where he runs two town-wide youth groups, The Rock for 12- and 13-year-olds and The Edge for 14- to 18-year-olds. A lot of the volunteers who help are parents. It's the kind of town where young people leave to find work or study and the 18- to 35-year-old age group is largely missing from the churches.

All the parents attend the regular training sessions covering general topics such as communicating with young people, and then have training on issues more specific to the different groups of volunteers. For parents, this includes subjects like dealing with your own child or the children of your friends. In Tony's experience, parents are very happy to be trained. "Lots of them feel they don't know anything about working with young people and so they are grateful for some help. I feel the training is a mark of respect for them—they're helping us out and doing a great job so they deserve training in that."

He has never had to confront a parent because he feels she's not dealing with her child very well—and he agrees that this could be awkward for a youth worker. He says, "Sometimes I feel that parents offer to help with ulterior motives, perhaps to try to protect what their child is learning and make sure the youth work doesn't lead them astray." That's why he feels training and opportunities for all the volunteers to get together regularly and talk about the work are crucial, enabling them to understand the bigger picture and work to a common vision. "I've also come to realize that parents have a far bigger influence on young people than youth work ever will," he says. "We should be working with the parents, not seeing it as them working with us."

Parents as Youth Workers

So what should parents who are thinking of taking the plunge bear in mind? Talking it through with your child before taking on the role seems a crucial place to start, although I can imagine that the fruitfulness of that would depend very much on your relationship with your child. Some teenagers may not feel able to be completely honest with their parents out of love and loyalty to them. And keeping the communication lines open while you lead would be equally important. One young person suggested a trial run, after which both parent and child should have a chance to say how it's going and whether they want it to continue.

Parents need to tread the fine line between favoring their children over other members of the youth group and being too harsh on them. Perhaps the key here is to be aware of which you tend towards, and ask other youth leaders to tell you honestly how you're doing. Parents and youth leaders also need to make opportunities for young people to be involved in events wider than their home church, and to have the opportunity to spend time with Christian adults who are willing to get involved in their lives.

There's no doubt that parents can and are making a valued and vital contribution to Christian youth work. Perhaps more needs to be done to make sure they're given support, encouragement, and training in that role—because if we take away the parental factor in many churches, youth work would collapse.

Jenny Baker lives in London, England, has been in youth ministry for 14 years, and writes resources and articles for youth leaders.