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Managing the Reluctant

Sometimes the Back Row Club makes me want to give up this whole ministry thing and do something less messy—like being a plumber.

You know the Back Row Club: the crew that comes late and leaves early, doesn't laugh at your jokes but cracks up when they make one. I think my all-time favorite student-who'd-rather-be-anywhere- else-than-youth-group was the guy who showed up about an hour late one night with a large, steaming Domino's pepperoni pizza and a 20-ounce Coke.

He walked into our relatively small group gathered that night, pulled up a folding chair, and began eating the entire pizza, with brief stops to guzzle his Coke. He then left early, speaking to no one. Thanks for squeezing us into your schedule, buddy. And no, we weren't hungry, so no need to share.

But what do we do? Are we happy they're at least giving it a try, or is their reluctance causing them to resent the church and bring others down?

Certainly there are plenty of stories that would suggest that parents who force their kids to attend youth group are grateful later that they did. One such story is Cassie Bernall, one of the victims of the Columbine shootings, made famous because "she said yes." Her faith was drifting, she started hanging with a bad crowd, and her parents intervened, requiring her to attend a church youth retreat. They feared their insistence could have pushed her away, but she came around, devoted her life to Christ, and famously died as a martyr, unashamedly professing her faith in God in the face of her murderers.

A less dramatic story happened in our ministry with a student named Colin. My first year as youth pastor was his freshman year, and he didn't know what to make of me or the ministry. His parents made a rule: he had to attend youth group once a month for the first year, no questions asked. He grudgingly agreed (it wasn't like he had a choice), but over time he began looking forward to his monthly visit. Eventually he asked to go on the Sundays in between. Colin attended mission trips with our group every summer, is now a junior in college, and is still a committed Christian.

But for every Colin, there's also a Billy. Billy attended our group exactly one-half time. I say one-half because halfway through his only visit, he called his dad and explained with horror that "All they're doing is singing up there. Come get me!" His dad did come get him, and he never returned.

Parents want to know what to do with their children who don't naturally gravitate towards the ministry, so what do we tell them?

Give It a Shot

Encourage parents to make their kids at least try it. As a teenager, the biggest draw to any event will be the other people there. If a student doesn't have good friends who are also excited about attending, chances are she won't want to be there. This means that the student either has to sweat it out alone or is forced to make new friends, which can be excruciatingly difficult, especially for a shy student.

Incidentally, this is why training your adult and student leaders to be diligent about seeking out new and unconnected students is absolutely essential. You can't be expected to go after these students on your own, and we have to constantly remind our leaders that they play a huge role in this.

Transitions, such as when students move from grade school to middle school and middle school to high school, are crucial times to help parents whose students who are struggling with the change. Parents should be warned that their kids might not make smooth transitions, so it's incumbent that we help prepare them on how to respond.

If a student is diametrically opposed to coming, I suggest using Colin's parents' technique: reach some sort of compromise so that the student remains involved, and hope he'll make some connections with other people. Special events like fun nights, retreats, and mission trips are key, since new friendships are more likely to be forged then. Other parents have given their children a choice between several options: they have to attend Sunday morning services, small group, large group, or some other event at least once a week. The problem with this scenario is that the students might choose only to attend Sunday mornings, figuring that at least it gets it out of the way. They can sit in the pew and go home, never making friends or being forced to actively engage their faith. This scenario, while better than nothing, holds the least amount of promise in actually getting them to take the next step in their faith journeys.

You also have to be honest about the fact that a student who doesn't want to be there can be a distraction to those that do. Parents aren't doing anyone any favors by forcing their children to attend, only to let them talk and cut up the whole night. The reluctant students are resentful, others are annoyed, and you the youth leader are frustrated.

Recognize when It's Not Working

You may have to make the call at some point that if a student can't behave himself, and he's clearly not enjoying himself, he can't participate any longer. This may seem like a failure, but if the student is unwilling to submit to your authority, you may have no choice.

We also have to come to terms with the fact that any given group isn't going to be the answer for every student. For instance, our ministry doesn't play a lot of games and we have about 25 minutes of music each week, so we're probably not going to be very attractive to a guy who enjoys games and doesn't like to sing. Be ready to suggest an alternative to parents who still wants their child in a Christian group. Remember that other youth groups aren't your rivals; they're partners in ministry. Be willing to suggest another group if you think that'd be a better fit for a specific teen. Or if the student would feel more comfortable in a small group setting, steer him to a midweek small group that meets in a home instead.

You'll also need to be sensitive to parents faced with their students' lack of interest. For some, the whole reason they're in your church might be because they hoped their child would connect with the youth ministry. When this doesn't happen, it's quite possible that they'll resent you or feel like God has failed them. Be prepared to help them deal with this disappointment in a gracious way, and make sure you don't take it personally.

Reach out to the Reluctant

If you know of students who are especially unconnected, try to reach out to them outside of the big group. Throughout his high school career, I took Billy (the one-half time visitor) out to lunch about once a year, and we continue to have a decent friendship. His parents greatly appreciated the time I took to reach out.

We're called to make disciples. In some cases, that will involve pursuing lost sheep, reflecting God's heart in Luke 15. In other cases, it'll involve shepherding the flock that's under your care, heeding Peter's charge in 1 Peter 5:2. This commitment to both roles of the shepherd should be reflected with which students we spend our one-on-one time. In my day-timer, I have two lists of students with whom I meet, a "Teach" and a "Reach" list. Both are necessary, and both require being intentional.

Having said that, you also need to realize that your time is limited, and you can't spend it all pursuing students who clearly have no interest in being pursued. You must not beat yourself up over those who aren't connecting. At the end of the day, having done your best to open your arms to the wandering, you leave the rest to the Good Shepherd, whose own heart is relentless in pursuit of his lost ones.

A native Texan, Syler Thomas is the student ministries pastor at Christ Church Lake Forest in the northern suburbs of Chicago.