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Am I Too Shy? Relational Youth Work for Introverts

It was a beautiful, hot summer day, and the town centre was full of people shopping, sitting, chatting, sunbathing, and generally just chilling out. I was a fairly new Youth for Christ worker and was spending three days with the YFC centre in Burton, England as part of my training. After a tour of their offices and a chat with their director, I joined the rest of the team for some street outreach to the young people in town.

We met first in a church just off the town square to praise God and pray that we'd have great conversations with the young people we were about to meet. Praise and prayer—fantastic—I could do that. But 15 minutes later out in the sunshine, faced with the task of chatting with kids and inviting them to a coffee bar that evening, I froze. I watched with envy as Mick, another youth worker, strolled up to a group of teenage boys, oozing confidence and cool from every pore in his body. Within minutes they were chatting, laughing together, and accepting his invitation.

My mouth was dry, my stomach was churning, and even my shy glances at young people seemed to be met with hostile stares. I couldn't bring myself to approach anyone. And after a few circuits of the town square trying to pluck up courage, my coffee bar invitations ended up in a trash bin, and I escaped to the park with one of the other workers, frustrated and annoyed with myself. That was it, I decided, I was no good at outreach—except I didn't put it quite that politely to myself. I had hardly started as a youth worker and had already failed at the one thing at which I needed to be good—talking to young people.

Fortunately, that wasn't the end of my career in youth work; and, also fortunately, I've grown up quite a bit since then. I tell the story because it encapsulates the struggle I've had to address throughout my youth work—feeling passionate about young people and the Kingdom of God while being a shy and often insecure person. I've often wondered whether the two are incompatible, especially with the move towards relational youth work. And looking at my peers didn't help. The youth workers who joined YFC at the same time as I did all seemed to be confident and extroverted—loud, happy people who loved being the centre of attention. Did I need to model myself on Mick and change who I was in order to minister to kids? Was there a place for me in youth work? And if so, where was it?

Know Thyself

It has taken a long time to come to terms with who I am and what I'm good at. Put me on a platform to speak with a few hundred young people and I'm happy; tell me to go chat with a group of three teenagers I don't know and my heart still quails. Although I now accept that I'm an introvert and appreciate that different people have different gifts and strengths, that doesn't mean that I should opt out of relational youth ministry.

A label can either be a gateway or a cul-de-sac. It can help us understand more about ourselves and others, or it can become a straitjacket that makes us feel we have to behave in a certain way. On one of my report cards when I was about 13, every teacher had given me a grade and written a one-line comment on my work for that term. Almost every teacher had written "Jenny works quietly and well." "Quiet" is a label that I've hated passionately ever since because it seems so limiting, even though it's probably fairly accurate.

However, I've found it helpful to find out more about what the word "introvert" means. Sometimes the word is used to loosely describe someone who is shy and reserved, but there's more to it than that. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is the world's most popular tool for understanding personality. Within that context the words introvert and extrovert both have specific technical meanings. Pete Johnson, a Myers-Briggs consultant in London, explains: "It's all to do with where people get their energy from. An extrovert is someone who is stimulated by the outside world, by meeting people and taking part in activities. An introvert is energized through their own internal world, their thoughts, memories, and reflection." So both introverts and extroverts will enjoy a party where they meet new people and talk, but at the end of the evening an introvert will feel drained and want some space, while an extrovert will feel energized and ready for more.

That doesn't mean that the world is divided into two distinct and opposite groups of people—we are far more complex than that! For a start, Myers Briggs looks at six other aspects in its assessment, and even then only measures a small part of someone's personality. "It's important that people understand their type as their preference, the place where they feel most comfortable," says Johnson. "All of us are capable of using the other functions at times, when we choose or need to." So an extrovert can be quiet and reflective and an introvert can happily talk to a complete stranger, but understanding our preferences can be a really useful tool that makes us sensitive to the ways in which we communicate.

Being shy is different from being an introvert. Confident people may find it hard to understand the anguish that shy people go through when they meet someone new—although I suspect that everybody, however confident, has a particular task or scenario that sets their adrenalin racing. Fear of not knowing what to say, of saying the wrong thing, of being laughed at, of upsetting someone, or of not being liked can all contribute to a tongue-tied embarrassed silence, nervous laughter, or monosyllabic answers—believe me, I've been there. Although conversational skills may not come naturally to some, they can be learned, and a lot of shyness can be gradually overcome.

I think one of the things that has helped me most is an understanding that our God is a relational God. Intent on redeeming the people and the planet, God didn't stay at a distance or shout from heaven at us. God sent Jesus to live among us and welcome us into a divine, intimate encounter. Our love for each other should be a striking characteristic of the people of God; we are to care for each other, get involved in each other's lives, and reach out to those who don't know Jesus. We're not to remain aloof, self-contained, and lonely. If I'm to be more like Jesus, whatever my temperament and wherever I get my energy, I need to learn to overcome my shyness and engage those around me.

Engaging Others

Understanding that God accepts and loves us as we are is key. Lucy James, a church youth worker near Bristol, England, says, "I'm fine with young people that I know well, but when I first meet new teenagers I worry so much about what they think of me. I want them to like me, so if they respond well I feel great; if they don't, I feel rejected. I know that my sense of identity and worth should come from God, but it's hard to shake off that need to be liked."

Being able to focus on others instead of oneself is another important skill. Shy people can become obsessed with what they're feeling, with what they're going to say next, with trying to guess what other people are thinking about them. They can seem aloof and unfriendly; perhaps their capable exteriors belie the jumble of nerves and confusion underneath. I've had to learn that if sometimes I don't stop to talk to people because of my shyness, that makes me seem rude. I'm responsible before God for the way I behave, and saying, "hi," instead of walking past looking at the floor isn't actually that painful.

Good youth worker training can also help. Moya Ratyanake is a bubbly, extroverted youth worker in London who excels in situations like the one in Burton that nearly ended my youth work career. "I've always been at my most comfortable in those informal settings," she says. "I suppose I just feel confident that whatever happens, I'll be able to cope." Even so, the training she received covered ways of approaching young people on the streets, developing conversations, taking relationships further, and keeping appropriate boundaries. She agrees that there can be pressure on youth workers to all fit the "loud and extroverted" mold. "You need to fight that and be true to yourself and what God has called you to."

Finding a colleague with whom to discuss these issues and pray can be an important step in moving forward. It may seem like relationship building comes naturally to everyone else, but once you start talking, you may be surprised that the people you think are the most confident and assured have their own areas of insecurity and doubt.

Role Modeling

We need to remember that the young people with whom we work will also have different personalities, temperaments, abilities, and needs. Like it or not, they look to their youth leaders to see what it means to follow Christ. They're only helped if they can see echoes of themselves in their role models as well as hints of new possibilities. Shy young people need to hear from adults with whom they can identify about the journeys those adults have taken and the obstacles they've overcome. They need loud and wacky adults who can get them to lighten up a bit. They also need to see that not everyone has to be the life and soul of the party all the time—that those who are more reflective can be at ease with themselves and self-aware without being self-obsessed.

It has been said that introverts are quick to listen and slow to speak, which is an invaluable quality to offer young people who are starved for undivided attention. In spite of my experiences in Burton, I've formed close friendships with young people that began and grew in different, less threatening contexts. I've had the privilege of seeing those young people grow in their relationships with Christ, and I've benefited from their friendships, too. I may never get to the stage where I can "do a Mick" and comfortably stroll up to kids on the streets, nor do I particularly feel the need to. I'll leave that to him, and do what God has called me to do.

Jenny Baker lives in London, England, where she works for Christian Aid, a development agency working with people in poor countries. She's been in youth ministry for 13 years, and she writes resources and articles for youth leaders.