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Reality Bites: And Some Churches Have Fangs

When I began my first full-time youth ministry position, I had a utopian view of what it'd be like working in a church. I believed that since everyone loved Jesus it'd be an ideal work environment; I expected to hear "Kum-Bah-Yah" in the background as we closed our staff meetings. Reality hit me soon after the last book went from box to bookshelf.

A few years ago, Your Church magazine ran a series about "Forced Exits" (Mar/Apr 1996). They reported that almost one fourth of senior pastors had been fired, forced to resign, or pressured to resign. They also discovered that 91 percent of senior pastors knew three to four pastors who'd been forced to exit. I personally know four youth pastors who've lost their jobs this past year.

Bob Long, the national director of the Baptist General Conference, shared this: "A high dose of cynicism is sadly normal in veteran youth pastors as a result of seeing the church in action over the years." I wanted to hold on to my naivety and deny what he observed, but I knew it was true.

My cynicism began when my friend Steve had been at his church around 18 months. I called to check up on him and the secretary told me, "He's no longer employed here." I called him and found out that during a special Elders' meeting, he was told that the present situation wasn't a good fit. He walked out with a two-week severance check in hand; 18 months of ministry was over in a little more than 18 minutes. He and his family were devastated.

I realized early on that despite being God's institution and God's people, the local church is still imperfect, like me. Its imperfections and mistakes are like a minor headache—you can just ignore it or take something to ease the symptoms. Unfortunately, deeper pain often hits us and sadly, that pain can be caused by "friendly fire" from people in the church. This deeper pain is like an incapacitating migraine, requiring a stronger prescription painkiller.

Over the Counter Painkillers

Here are some over-the-counter painkillers I discovered as I was going through my own difficult situations, and some stronger prescription strength remedies for those particularly painful days. These observations have given me comfort as I try to make sense of the chaotic church world around me.

Painkiller #1
What Doesn't Kill You, Doesn't Kill You
God can work through people in your life for your own growth, even those people who seem intent on making your life hell. Their actions or attitudes may be wrong, but you can still respond in a loving way. Learn to thank God for your "thorns in the flesh" (or not least not complain too much about them) and remember that God's grace is sufficient for you. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

Painkiller #2
Where Two or Three Come Together, There Will Be Conflict
To condense Ken Sande's wisdom from The Peacemaker, we have three options when dealing with conflict: we can attack it, fix it, or escape it. Although attacking and escaping conflict are popular choices, we must try to fix the conflict. It doesn't always work, but it's always worth trying. Learn the principles of resolving conflict and know when you need to seek outside help in fixing the conflict.

Painkiller #3
Expectations Determine Your Experience
I had a meeting scheduled at my last church with one of the church leaders. He showed up on time and we started with small talk. We transitioned into "issues" a few minutes into our discussion and attendance came up.

He said, "Len, we need to get 200 students on Sunday."

"Why 200?" I asked.

"Because University Bible Church has 200 students in their youth ministry, and we're a better church than they are."

Even though our attendance was quite a bit less than the other church and even though we'd been averaging 130 to 160 in Sunday school with probably around 200 students are active in our youth ministry, the expectation was 200 kids every Sunday.

If I'd known what they expected from the start, I would've at least known what to aim for. Or, if I'd known their expectations, I might have looked for another churc to serve.

Prescription Painkillers

The prescription painkillers that have been given to all of us come from God. These are the truths I clung to as I went through my darkest moments.

Painkiller #1
Prayer
There are some verses in the Bible that I don't like because they convict me. One verse that bothers me is "pray for those who abuse you." (Luke 6:28) I want to do exegetical gymnastics to rationalize how that's merely a suggestion and not a command. While going through my trials I finally decided to be obedient regarding this verse and began praying for those with whom I was in conflict. After about two weeks, my attitude changed. My anger left and I began to love them in a way that I wouldn't have been able to naturally. Through that process I experienced what is meant by "Prayer is meant to change you, not to change your circumstances."

Painkiller #2
Forgiveness
Sometimes we are wronged, but we must forgive. In my head I know that I'm supposed to forgive someone seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22), but it seems the hardest time is the first. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it's not forgetting or excusing. Rather it's an intentional decision to walk in obedience. It can be difficult and at times seem impossible, but it's necessary to heal.

In an article for Leadership Journal, Gary Preston writes, "James Broderick once said of Pope Paul IV: 'He never forgot such offenses, which was one of his fundamental weaknesses. He might bury the hatchet for a time, but he gave the impression of always carefully marking the spot.'"

We don't want to mark the spot. We're told to forgive the person who offends us and repents (Luke 17:3-4) and the person who offends us and fails to repent (Mark 11:25). There's no loophole; we need to begin the forgiveness process today.

Painkiller #3
Love
I learned to really love the local church through my last church experience with conflict. It was painful, and I'd hate to relive it; but God used it to change me. I learned to love not just the universal church but my local church as well, simply because it was part of the Body of Christ. I now love the church the same way I love my wife—unconditionally. This kind of love is partially by choice, but I'm also compelled to it. I have to love, because if I didn't I'd be incomplete, and that applies to both my wife and the church.

David Hansen, in his book The Power of Loving Your Church, captured this committal kind of love when he wrote, "To be a pastor is to be one, among others, who chooses to make the sacrifice of love even when others won't. That means, in brutal terms, giving your life away to a community of people who, for the most part, are not going to give it back."

Painkiller #4
Shall We Accept Good from God, and Not Trouble?
Job's wife told him, "Curse God, and die." and Job responded with, "Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?" (Job 2:8-10) It's tempting at times to take the advice of Job's wife. While we might not curse God, we would pray, "I'm one of your servants, why are you doing this to me?" or "Why aren't you taking care of me?" and all other forms of "pity party" prayers.

In The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis wrote, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Through the pain in our lives, we learn to rest in God and nothing else.

I wouldn't want to relive my six months in between youth ministries for anything. I hated making less than half of my former salary at a temp job. I hated not knowing what was going to happen. I hated not serving in a local church. I hated feeling let down by people I trusted.

However, I loved the desperation I felt to remain close to God through my valley of darkness. In the darkness that was all I had; yet it was enough, and in God there was healing.

Len Evans is youth pastor at Trinity Baptist Church in Fairfield, Conn.